Peevella!
by Padfoot is the Bomb
Summary: The Marauders are up to their tricks again, and this time the victim is poor unsuspecting Argus Filch. To make things better or, in Filch's case, worse Peeves has jumped in on the act too! Giggly Marauder Era one-shot.


**A/N**: As always, reviews will be absolutely welcome! Hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** J K Rowling's characters don't belong to me. So sad.

It was the month of December. This meant Christmas – the time of carolling, sleigh rides, presents and mistletoe. All around people were in good cheer, their minds filled to the brim with sweet thoughts, thinking only of the good, thoughtful things that they would do for their friends and family this season.

For the Marauders, it was also the time for _pranks_.

Any time of the year these four friends were up to their eyebrows in trouble. Moony, the co-planner of pranks and manager of the Marauder's Map, was usually the brains behind the outfit. Padfoot and Prongs, the ringleaders of the gang, were always in the thick of it and they were usually the ones that got the heaviest punishment the most often. Finally, Pettigrew often provided distractions, or played spy. Pettigrew was very good at spying, as usually no one noticed his presence.

This Christmas was to be no different. As usual, the Marauders all signed to stay on at Hogwarts for the holidays. The Marauders never went home for Christmas… for why should they? There were Christmas trees to be toppled, snow to be frozen into ice (providing a slippery ordeal for anyone hoping to cross), decorations to be transformed into slugs and other slimy creatures, spiders to be placed in the mistletoe…the possibilities for pranks were endless.

This year, however, the Marauders had a particular victim in mind: Argus Filch.

Argus Filch, the most hated staff member in the school, the detention-happy, dirt-obsessed, bitter old man that was every student's nightmare. For years students of Hogwarts had learnt to avoid him, along with his nasty cat, Mrs Norris, who, rumour had it, could _sniff_ out wrong-doers and pranksters. Many students were terrified of him…not the Marauders, though.

It was the Marauders' greatest delight to torment Filch and his ugly cat in every way. Whether it was deliberately slopping mud down the corridors or hiding his brooms in the Room of Requirement, seeing the man's face turn purple with anger was always a subject of great amusement to them. This Christmas, the Marauders wanted to do something extra special for Filch. It was the time for giving, wasn't it?

'I've got an idea,' Remus said one day, drawing his friends near him in a secluded corner of the Gryffindor common room. Sirius slapped his black and ruffled his hair fondly,

'Good ol' Moony…what's your idea this time, mate?' he asked. Remus smiled mischievously.

'Has it ever occurred to you that what Filch really needs…is a girlfriend?'

The Marauders were shocked by this statement; they had never considered Filch having any kind of relationship with a woman. As far as they were concerned, he and Mrs Norris were practically married to each other. Sirius scratched his head and James clicked his tongue; Peter's mouth hung open.

'We-ell…I guess so,' James said uncertainly. Remus' eyes twinkled. The Marauders smiled at this – they knew that whenever there was that twinkle in Remus' eye, there was a plan up his sleeve.

'Well, this Christmas I thought we might…you know, hook him up,' Remus continued. He laughed at the looks of incredulity on his friends' faces as he said this.

'With _whom?_' Sirius said, looking nauseous at the mere thought. It was at this point that Remus' eyes twinkled the most, his smile wider than ever.

***

Peeves was causing chaos in an old staff room when the Marauders walked in. Pieces of chalk were flying everywhere, and sticky pink bubblegum was smeared along the walls. An old cupboard was overturned and its contents had been torn to pieces. At the moment, Peeves was busy crunching up mothballs and scattering the pieces around the floor.

'Peeves?' Sirius said. Peeves paused, turning toward the boys. His face split into a wide grin. The Marauders were possibly the only students in history to have gained the respect of Peeves the Poltergeist. Both loved each other's pranks and they even helped each other when they could.

'Maraudikins,' Peeves said, sweeping a low bow, grinning from ear to ear.

'We need your help,' Remus said, stepping forward. Peeves' looked delighted, and he floated down to the ground, standing with his hands on his hips.

'What does Loopy Lupin want from Peeves?' Peeves asked, waggling his tongue at him. Remus smiled,

'We're planning a prank on Filch. A little Christmas present, if you will.'

'Ooh, is it a dungbomb?' Peeves said gleefully, 'or snakes in his bed? is it stealing Mrs Norris, or dropping paint on his head?'

'We were thinking of something different this time, Peeves. This time, we want you to play a more…er…active role. In fact, we need you to pretend to be human for a little while,' explained James. Peeves' brow wrinkled in confusion,

'Peevsie? Play an ickle mortal?' he said, bewildered.

'Peevella now, Peeves,' Sirius said, a naughty glint in his eye. 'D'you think you can dress up like a woman and charm good ol' Filch out of his shell?'

Peeves looked at Sirius blankly for a minute, obviously flabbergasted. Finally, however, his face split into a grin.

'Ooh, what fun! WEEHEE!' he said, dancing around the room. Remus gave James a triumphant smile,

'I told you he'd like it,' he said.

***

Phase 1 of the operation was underway. In the early hours of the morning, the Marauders snuck a letter under the door of Filch's office. They had planned the wording of the letter carefully the night before…it was now a matter of waiting to see how Filch would react.

Filch opened his eyes groggily, then got to his feet. He had not heard the envelope slide across the floor, and was only alerted to its presence when Mrs Norris meowed, pawing at it.

'What have you got there, my precious?' he cooed, stroking the cat. He picked up the envelope, frowning. It was bright pink, and smelled of lavender. The address was simple and in curvy, womanly handwriting. It read: TO: MY DARLING ARGUS FILCH. Turning it over, he noticed the envelope fastened with a heart-shaped sticker. His hands shaking in anticipation, he broke the seal.

Filch pulled out the letter, which smelled as though it had been saturated in perfume. The paper was also pink, and very light. Upon it was writing in the same hand as the cover. It read as follows:

_My dearest Argus_

_My darling, I shall not mince my words. For some time now I have battled with myself, trying to banish these thoughts from my head. However, I can not help it any longer. The truth is, I am madly, madly in love with you. I don't expect you to remember me…I must have seemed so common in your eyes…but I have seen you once in Hogsmeade – I swear, it was love at first sight! I was nearly driven to madness by my love, until finally I had to do something about it. I am coming to Hogwarts, darling. I can hardly wait to be in your arms, if you will have me. _

_Yours always, _

_Peevella_

The astonished Filch read this letter twice, his mouth hanging open in astonishment. Was this woman really talking about _him_? Impossible! And yet there was his name, written clearly on the cover of the envelope. All this time…an admirer and he had never known it. But when would she arrive? The letter didn't say. Well, best to be ready.

Filch donned his best dress robes (a mouldy scrap of material with dirty cuffs and patches galore), slicking his hair down with some foul concoction he had picked up as a free sample in Diagon Alley over 20 years ago. He checked his teeth (which were rotting only slightly) and sprinkled some cologne (also a free sample about 20 years old) on himself to mask the odour of mops and brooms. Finally satisfied that he was looking his best, he walked out into the corridor.

Hidden behind a pillar, the Marauders watched anxiously. As Filch emerged, whistling cheerily, looking and smelling like something out of a gutter, they knew they had achieved their goal. Shoving fists in their mouths to muffle their giggles, they scampered down the corridor and out of sight.

***

The Marauders planned Phase 2 for Christmas day itself. They were in the Room of Requirement, busy preparing Peeves for his transformation into Peevella. He had swapped his usual bell-covered hat for a blonde wig, wore false eyelashes and his lips were painted red. He had green eye-shadow and wore blusher. Finally, he wore a lime green, knee-length dress, exposing hairy legs (which the Marauders could unfortunately do nothing about) and matching stiletto-heeled shoes. After about an hour of work, the Marauders stood back to examine him.

Peeves giggled and twirled around in mid-air. They had shoved two grapefruit (which was actually supposed to be McGonagall's breakfast for that morning) down his dress, and just hoped the spell they had used to hold it there would stay. Peeves batted his eyelashes and examined his long red fingernails with every sign of absolute glee. He obviously enjoyed dressing up.

'Well, Peeves, you look…great,' Sirius said, a little shakily. He had never seen a more repulsive woman in his whole life.

'Aw, hun,' Peeves giggled, fluttering his eyelashes, 'you're such a charmer.'

James muffled a laugh,

'Sirius and Peevsie sitting in a tree…' he murmured in a sing-song voice, causing Sirius to punch the back of his head. Remus considered Peeves carefully, his head tilted to one side.

'He'll do fine. Filch is far-sighted, and, besides, he'll probably be feeling so astounded at having a girlfriend to notice her – ah – _questionable_ good looks,' he said finally. Sirius nodded, producing a piece of parchment from his robe pocket.

'Now we just have to write the note,' he said.

***

Filch, who had been hanging some meagre Christmas decorations in his office, heard the sound of paper skidding across his floor. Swivelling around, his eye caught a sheet of parchment upon his floor. He bent down to pick it up and, to his joy, recognized the familiar curvy writing of Peevella:

_Darling (it read), meet me at the Room of the Requirement. Just think of "our secret meeting place". P _

Filch hobbled to the seventh floor at top-speed, Mrs Norris racing behind him. Finally, he reached the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy and knew he was at the right place. He followed Peevella's instructions and a small, vividly pink, heart-shaped door appeared immediately opposite him. Turning the cupid-shaped doorknob, he entered the room.

The floor, ceiling, walls and everything in the room were all in varying shades of pink. Also, everything was fluffy. There were many settees and comfy chairs, all lined in pink angora wool. Even the mistletoe, which was directly above Flich's head, was bright pink. A huge fluffy pink carpet lay in the middle of the room, and on the far end, directly opposite Filch, was a large heart-shaped bed. Upon it sat what anyone besides Filch would have called the ugliest person they had ever seen. It was Peevella, of course.

Peevella sat with her legs crossed, looking straight ahead with what supposed to be a sexy smile upon her lips. As Filch walked in, she raised her right eyebrow.

'I see you've come,' she said, her voice unusually deep and the worst interpretation of the word "sensual" there ever could be. Filch, however, was completely taken in. He self-consciously flicked a spot of mud off his dress robes.

'Well? Aren't you going to greet me?' Peevella demanded, springing to her feet.

'Oh, y-yes…dear madam,' Filch stammered, falling into a half-bow. He was completely at a loss as to how he should address a woman. Peevella gave a high-pitched, ear-ringing laugh. Behind Filch, Mrs Norris meowed loudly and dived under a nearby pink ottoman.

'Oh, silly…' Peevella said, waving a hand towards him in what was obviously supposed to be a girly movement. She crooked a finger at him, 'why don't you come over and greet me _properly_?'

Hidden in a corner of the room, underneath an invisibility cloak, the Marauders had to clench their teeth to prevent guffaws escaping their mouths. Filch blushed to the roots of his hair, and began twisting his hands together nervously.

'Madam, I…we haven't met…' he held out his hand to be shaken. Peevella giggled loudly,

'Oh, I see…hard to get, eh? So that's your game…'

She placed her hand in his, then crawled her fingers up his shoulder. Filch flinched, sweat dripping from his brow. From the letter, he has expected someone far more…well, timid. This woman seemed to have only one thing on her mind.

'I have waited for this moment…so long…' Peevella breathed. Her breath smelt like rotten eggs, but Filch, much used to his own overpowering smell of dirty mops, did not notice. 'Tell me, darling…will you be mine?'

'Yes, my love,' Filch murmured helplessly…she was so close to him now their noses were touching. Suddenly, Peevella kissed him full on the lips, smudging her lipstick all over his mouth.

'Argus, you're so handsome,' she said, her smile growing wider. He nodded wordlessly, delighted. 'Argus, you're so sexy,' she continued, smile even wider. He just managed a nod, almost overcome with lust.

'Argus…' she said finally, her mouth now wider than ever. Filch nodded feebly, dreamy-eyed. Peevella's finger drifted over Filch's mouth and, suddenly, gripped his nose, '…GOT YOUR CONK!'

'Wha-?' Filch said, shocked. In one swift motion, Peevella ripped off her blonde wig, revealing none other than Peeves the Poltergeist. With a delighted cackle, he floated above Filch, threw his sharp-heeled shoes at him.

'ARRGGGGHHHH!' Filch cried, rushing from the room, Peeves hot on his heels. The Marauders left their hiding place, following Filch as he ran through the corridors, knocking aside astounded students. Filch ran into the Great Hall, which was filled with students. Peeves was at his side in a moment.

'WHERE ARE YOU GOING, LOVER? FILCHIKINS?' he bellowed at the top of his voice. Heads turned and soon the Great Hall was shaking with laughter as students pointed towards Peeves, still dressed as a woman, and then Filch, who had lipstick smudged all over his face.

Standing slightly away from the crowd, the Marauders chuckled, patting each other's backs.

'I do believe that was our best gag yet, Moony, old friend,' Sirius said, ruffling his friend's hair. James and Peter laughed, punching each other's shoulders playfully. Remus laughed with them,

'I believe so, Padfoot, I believe so,' he replied.


End file.
